er.... hellooooo!!!

*nothing but empty echoes* 

*tumbleweeds blow by* 

*thick dust covers everything* 

*there is a family of mice nesting in the corner* 

Well, anyway, you get the idea. Hi. It's been a while.

Almost four months since I last blogged! 

This was not intentional. It never is.

It just... happens.

So much has happened in the last few months that when I look back on the last time I blogged it seems like ages ago, a completely different season of life.

December came with all it's usual craziness and hecticity (if that's not a word, it should be. I'm going with it.); the kids and I changed churches, leaving the one I had gone to for almost 13 years, the one where they were all baptized, where Jeremy and I met and were married; the holidays came and went but in a very different way... I can't even really explain it; family came and stayed with us and more busy-ness (wonderful as it was) ensued; there was sickness and teething and sleepless nights; birthdays galore happened; school fell by the wayside in the midst of all this and I started to feel very behind and very exhausted and overwhelmed; and then, just when we were starting to get back into a normal routine and figure life out again, we found a house to rent, packed up six-and-a-half years worth of stuff in two weeks and moved into a new place. And here we are, a month after that move, still working on getting settled but grateful to be where we are-- in more ways than one.

Whew.

So many life-changing things squeezed into such a short amount of time. I realize there's not a lot of detail in there, and it's the barest bones description of those happenings that I could possibly give you-- when really, some of those things could be a lengthy blog post all their own. 

I think that's one reason I've shied away from blogging. Sometimes, I'm not sure what to share. Obviously, there are things about my life that I choose not to talk about on here, just as we all do, for whatever our own personal reasons may be. That's ok. But sometimes it stunts our ability to share anything at all. It's hard to find the balance. That line between being honest and real, and over-sharing possibly to the detriment of others is a fine one. I'm not sure I always know how to walk it.

I've also struggled with why I still want to blog. Why should I even write posts? In the blogging world everyone has a niche, it seems. What's mine?

Fashion? ha!

Cooking and baking? Maybe once upon a time. But nowadays if I make the time to cook and bake (which I still love to do), I'm darn well not going to have the time to blog about it too!

Crafts? ha, I say, again!

Decorating, cleaning, and organizing tips? why, do YOU have some? I'll take them, please. I need all the help I can get.

Eating healthy? Exercising? This one gets a double ha. HA! HA!

Homeschooling? I'm doing my best. I still love it. But I'm not exactly poised to inspire anyone to greatness in this area.

I don't have an Etsy shop. My pictures are nothing by which to be amazed (they're literally all phone pictures these days. Not even kidding.) I haven't read any wonderful life-changing books lately that I can share with you all. I'm not one of those moms who has the gift for writing just the right post that every other mom needed to read. I'm not even especially eloquent these days. 

I was thinking about all of these things, and here is where I realized that what was standing in my way was pride. I never would have said this in so many words, and I probably really didn't even think it this way, but essentially this is what my attitude toward blogging had become:

"If I can't write or share something that will be considered cool, or awesome, or inspiring, or creative, or {insert great adjective here} then I guess I just won't bother at all."

And I'm not going to lie, I'd love for people to love my posts. Why share things in a public place at all if you don't want it to be seen and enjoyed and become a part of someone else? I like the community, connection, and camaraderie that things like facebook, instagram, and blogging have as a part of them. It's special to me. And who doesn't like knowing  that the people you admire also admire you?

But I want to blog for reasons other than those. I want to share things in this space because when I do, a part of my life and the life of my family is put down in words and pictures, and that is a precious thing. In looking back through some of my archives, I realized that there are moments I wrote about that, had I not put them here, they would be lost forever. Forgotten. I can't let go of that and quit capturing things here in this place. 

So that is what I will do. I will write from the place of who I am, which is quite simply a wife who loves her husband, even when marriage is messy and hard.

A folder of laundry, a doer of endless mind-numbing chores, and someone who sometimes binges on too much tv.

A woman who loves my home and wants to make it as lovely a place as I can for my beloved family and friends. Someone who will share that home with others even if there are graham cracker crumbs on the couch, dishes on the counter, and spots on the floor.

Someone who will sometimes make pancakes for dinner at 7:30 at night because it's been one of those days, and will feel no shame, because a proper healthy home-cooked meal is just not always in the cards.

A mommy who doesn't always have it together, barely gets by on some days, messes up from time to time, gets weary and discouraged, and feels in over her head sometimes. A mommy who needs grace every single day.  A mommy who loves her four kids more than words can even say and cherishes that she gets to be with them, even on the very worst day.

Someone who wants to share moments and memories like these: our first fire in our new home and the cozy peace it brought as they all sat in front of the fireplace. We ate sandwiches and popcorn for dinner on a blanket, and then they all brought pillows and books to read while Bennett made sure we all knew, again and again, that the fire was "hot. hot. hot." as he pointed with his little fingers.

These are the days. I will do my best to make sure they are never forgotten. And if God uses this little life of mine to inspire or bring joy to someone else along the way, well then, wonderful. I hope and pray He does. 

Either way, I still know I'll smile when I read these posts and see these pictures someday. 

it's all fun and games until someone poops in the tub.

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to be a great mom when things are great?

I'm an amazing mom when my kids are well-behaved and our day goes exactly as planned. I smile, I laugh, I have joy, I'm bubbly. I amuse my children with songs and stories and silliness and sometimes even a well-planned craft. We get along famously, a happy, albeit sometimes ragtag because even on the best of days hair isn't always combed or pajamas aren't always lost, bunch. I go from one task to the next with a nice little rhythm all my own, and I can't help but feel how much I love, JUST LOVE, being a mom. It's awesome, people, simply awesome. Super-mom high five!

That's a nice little word picture, isn't it? Are you wondering why I wrote this blog post if I was just going to toot my own horn? Welllll........

Hang on, friends. It's about to take a turn towards the ugly.

Let's get real. How often does our day go exactly as planned? How often are all of my children well-behaved at the very same time and we are living in perfect harmony? How often do I not get interrupted when trying to accomplish something, even if it's just trying to go to the bathroom by myself? How many times do I feel completely on top of it, "it" being house, kids, schoolwork, projects, errands, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. (too many? Just making a point. I may have gotten carried away.)

These are all rhetorical questions, and I'm sure you can guess the answer to each one: Hardly ever, if at all. 

That's normal, I'm pretty sure. (raise your hand if you feel the same way!) That's just life. 

But what really bothers me is how easy it is to go from happy super-mom to frustrated, grumpy, impatient, snappish, stressed-out, frazzled, crazy, no-fun-at-all mom. Don't get me wrong-- I love being a mom, and that really is all the time. I realize that the hard parts are just included with this job, and even on our very worst day I'm so thankful I get to do what I do.
 

The problem is, I just need to show that, that attitude of gratitude, even in the hard moments. It's too easy and common to let the circumstances dictate my mood and the person I choose to be.  

It's good to revel in the great moments and to take our reward, whether it be a sense of accomplishment or an extra bit of pure joy. We all need that.  I think God gives us those shining moments or days of pleasant ease when we need them most, not so we can feel prideful or puffed up, but so we can simply keep going. It's His grace. 

Grace. There it is. The quality I want to have and exhibit not only to the world but also and especially to these small ones under my care. Grace under pressure. It's easy to be happy and loving and speak in a kind tone when everything is going my way. But, oh, how hard it is at other times.

When an entire bowl of cereal and milk gets spilled all over the table, chairs, and floor.

When your four-year old throws her third gigantic fit of the day just because you gave her the pink lunch plate instead of the purple one.

When you're desperately trying to get ready to actually be somewhere on time and there hasn't been a moment to just breathe and the kids won't stop fighting and bickering and the toddler won't stop making mess after mess after mess.

When everyone gets runny noses and colds all in the same week and there is so much whining and snot and lack of proper sleep that all you want to do is curl up on the couch by yourself to nap, but oh look, you can't, because there's another kid who needs something and also, a giant smear of snot on your favorite pillow.

When you've had to tell them to do the same chore four times and you start to feel like Naggy mcNaggerson, which I just hate.

When the third dish of the day gets broken and you know it's because they were goofing when you told them not to. 

When the seven-year-old spends an hour grumping and pouting because she didn't just want quesadillas for lunch, and you, being the horrible mean person you are, made her eat them anyway. 

When naptime for little one isn't naptime at all, but instead cry-and-scream-and-be-miserable-and-grumpy time... which, coincidentally, is what the whole day has been like. And the day before that. And the day before that.

When your nine-year-old argues and talks back and throws down bad attitude like it's her business.

When you've gotten the baby all clean and fresh after a long bath and are just ready to pull the kid out, only to discover he's been sitting in turd-water for the past five minutes.   

When you're woken up repeatedly at 4:30 in the morning to more snot and more whining and crying.

When you feel behind on everything and you can't help but compare yourself to all the other moms our there who must have it more together than you.

When you have a lot on your mind and you're feeling a little lost or worried. 

When you're sad.

When you're stressed.

When you're weary.

When life gets heavy.

We've all been there. Perhaps you haven't had some of these exact same situations (these have all actually been a part of my week, YAY BEST WEEK EVER HAHAHAHAHAHA NOT REALLY), but I bet you've got your own set of "whens" that make it hard to carry on with a calm spirit of love and grace or at the very least a smile.

This is what I'm working on, friends. I'm working on being a great and graceful mom not just when it's fun and easy to be a great mom, but even in the nitty-gritty of it all, in the awful and hard and challenging moments and on the really crappy (you can take that both literally and figuratively, how neat is that) days too. I want to nurture and bless my children even when they don't feel like blessings to me (which they are, of course). I want to glorify my God every day, not just on the good ones.

And I can't do it alone. I know if I try that it's only going to get worse. I'm relying on my God to soften and shape and sanctify me, to take my efforts and bless them and give me the strength and will to just keep on trying. To take His grace and cover me, and then to allow me to share that grace all day long with my family. It's going to take prayer, and it's going to take a lot of me looking into my kids' eyes and asking forgiveness in the messy moments, because I know I'm only human and perfection is impossible.  

Parenthood. Good grief. It is so sanctifying and humbling, like nothing else.

And it is such a gift.

> > > Here's one other little thought to tack onto the end of this messy post about motherhood... since we know we've all got our own set of struggles and I think it's safe to say that no one finds parenting an easy task... how about taking the time to encourage another mother today? Write a note and send it snail-mail style. Drop off a Starbucks or a plate of cookies or some flowers from your garden. Call just to say "I love you and you're doing a great job". Ask how you can pray for her specifically. Plan a park date and spend some mommy time together. Share a Bible verse or two that you once found encouraging. It can even be as simple as a text message, just to let her know you're thinking of her, right down there in the trenches where you are too. I know from experience that these sorts of things, no matter how big or small they are, can make the day just a little bit more bearable and joyful. 

(this post is specifically about moms, but this idea of intentional and simple encouragement is something we can practice with anyone and everyone, no matter how different our circumstances. It's such a lovely and wonderful thing! Bonus: if you take the time to encourage someone else, you almost always end up being encouraged yourself. BAM. I know, because I can't even tell you how many times this has happened to me. Isn't God good?) < < <

> > > ps. speaking of lovely and wonderful things, check out my new blog look! It's so purty! courtesy of the one and only sweet Molly June, she's the bomb diggity, y'all. < < &lt 

 

A look back at The First Year.

This was one year ago. I must say, a year that went by oh-so-quickly and was filled with many highs and lows. I've realized recently that other than the post about our first day of school, I've not really blogged much about homeschooling and what we've all been up to in that area of our life. So, I thought I would post a little re-cap of our kindergarten, our FIRST, year of homeschooling before we begin anew another year (tomorrow!!).

Although Emma was my official student, being the kindergartener, I made sure to include Annabelle as well, and did lots of "preschool" activities with her. Our two main goals for the year were to make sure she recognized all her letters and could write each one (she can!) and for her to be able to spell and legibly write her name.

She can!

We also did a lot of coloring and painting.

And we made some pretty nifty little "books" here and there. One of my favorites was her "color book".

She cut lots of pictures out of magazines and then glued them to the right color page. Not only did this keep her busy for quite some time, but it turned out really cute.

I also was able to include Annabelle in much of Emma's extra work too, which she loved, and it made it so easy for me, having to only focus on one activity.

These mighty tigers were an activity we did for science when we learned about... well, tigers, of course! (Annabelle's is on the left, Emma's on the right) I found myself combining science with art this year. I know, it might sound like an odd combo, but it really worked. When we learned about rainbows, the clouds, and the sky, we painted pictures using watercolors. When we read about rabbits we learned how to draw one. When we studied about plants we sat outside and drew colorful pictures of flowers. It gave me just the inspiration I needed as to what to do for artwork, and at the same time I was able to reinforce the things we were learning in science. Perfect!

And this brings us to Miss Emma. Her kindergarten year was very full, and she enjoyed pretty much all of it, I think. She's a good student and loves to learn. But I'm definitely noticing where her real love of learning lies, and at which subjects she simply excels. I'm not trying to sound like a braggin' mama here, but this girl's drawings always astound me. So much detail, and so much realism, too! This was the whale she drew after looking at a picture of one in her science book.


She also LOVES to write stories and illustrate them. We did quite a few pages like these, as it was a great way to work on punctuation, grammar, spelling, and handwriting, all while she got to do her creative writing and drawing.



Because of the science-turned-into-art thing, we ended up learning how to draw lots of animals. Rabbits, whales, horses, elephants, cats...

.... and mice. Bless google, I was able to find lots of "how to draw a..." printouts whenever we needed them. Emma especially liked drawing mice. The one on top is the mouse I drew, and the one beneath is hers. It probably won't be too long before my 6-year-old daughter can draw better than I can. :)

Both girls simply love to paint and were thrilled to get to do so in school. This rainbow was one of the first art projects that we did. Emma was quite upset about the green dot that ended up on her page somehow, but I think it's still a very nice rainbow indeed.


After reading this, you must think all we did was artwork and writing... but no, we did lots of other subjects too, it just so happens that those aren't quite as much fun to take pictures of! Emma completed Alphaphonics, and is such a good reader who has recently discovered the joy of finishing chapter book after chapter book. We of course also did math, history, Bible, and penmanship in addition to the phonics, reading, science, and art.

(for those of you who are interested, we used Christian Liberty Academy. If you click on this link you can see exactly the curriculum we used. I added in our own art projects and Alphaphonics and also made use of the Bob books. We did a lot of extra reading for history too, using different picture books that had to do with the event we were studying.)

I realize this post is already quite long, but bear with me. I'm about to get real here, folks. (I can see you all anxiously leaning forward in your seats, just waiting for the juicy part, am I right??) If I'm being honest, our first year of homeschooling was not at all what I expected it to be. When we started off in September, everything was pretty easy. Sure, it was a lot of work, but I felt on top of it, like I had found my groove and was rollin' along smoothly. This continued for several months, until December hit. December, which held not only the mad scramble and craziness that is the holidays and the bajillion birthdays that follow, but everything that happened with my Mom. Our extremely-last-minute trip to Colorado, the worry, the stress, the overwhelming sadness you feel when someone you love is going through something really hard. God is good and gracious, and He brought us all through that time in one piece, a fact for which I'm still daily thankful, but while it was all happening it was hard, and I think we were all more stressed and affected than we even realized. Add to this fact that along the way I added more piano students to an already busy schedule, my baby stopped taking morning naps and became mobile, and things just kept piling up. I often found myself snappish and impatient, not at all the loving, cheerful, and fun teacher that I had envisioned myself as. My poor children... I felt awful for them some days.

After our break in December I never really "found my groove" again. There were days when I was struggling just to get the bare bones of our schoolwork done, much less add in anything fun or different. There were days and even weeks in which we accomplished next to nothing, and I honestly felt so behind in EVERYTHING sometimes that the sheer thought of it all made me want to sit down and cry. I would read blogs from other moms who homeschool and feel completely and utterly inadequate, and I would feel horrible that my child was missing out on so many fun activities or projects.
Now, though, I look back on our year and I'm glad I allowed myself a bit of leeway, that I took it a bit easy where I at first didn't expect I would. It was our first year, and it was a year that wasn't easy in many ways. I needed to be ok with less-than-perfect. And, when all is said and done, everything that needed to be learned was learned. We finished everything we needed to, and the kindergarten work got sent in (as of Saturday! MUCH later than I ever thought it would be, but I'm still counting it a victory! hehe). Emma and Annabelle both enjoyed it, and they both know much more now than they did when we started. And, so do I! I've learned so much from our first year... what my priorities should be, where my strengths and weaknesses lie, the things which I need to pray for on a daily basis, what kind of schedule works for us, and how to live and let live through it all.

I still love homeschooling. I still think that it's exactly what's right for our little family at this time in our lives. I still wouldn't have it any other way. I'm thankful for the opportunities God has given me as a mom and a teacher to my girls, and I'm going to strive to make the most of them no matter what may come, with His grace to help me along.

And I'm oh-so-excited, thankful, and happy that a brand new year, fresh and sparkly-clean, filled with promise and potential, is ready and waiting for us.

Tomorrow.

Plan B.

It's what you resort to when Plan A doesn't work. And that's where we're at right now. Plan B.

My mom had another MRI today, one which, quite frankly, we were all hoping and expecting would look really good... maybe even clear! But, as it turns out, that's not what happened. Instead, the MRI showed that her tumor has grown back. I'm not sure on exactly how much, but something like 60% of its original size.

Not good. Scary. It's grown back that much just since her last MRI... which was only around a month ago.

This means the chemo she's been getting for the last two months isn't working anymore, apparently. So. Plan B.

Plan B is full-brain radiation, once a day 5 days a week. And possibly oral chemo with this as well. Plan B means my mom will lose her hair, experience extreme fatigue, and who knows what else. Plan B means that this road, which we all thought just maybe had an end in sight, is going to be much harder and longer than we anticipated.

The doctor is still reasonably positive. He says this by no means indicates that treatment won't be successful. He's seen this before, and it just means it's time for another plan of attack. But....

Plan B scares me. One plan of treatment has already been tried... and it didn't work. So what happens if Plan B doesn't work? Is there a plan C? Or.... is there an or?? or..... is that it?? what if, what if what if???

The one thing I've been clinging to in my head today is this: God doesn't have a Plan B. He just has THE plan. HIS plan. His perfect, unchanging, almighty, loving plan. It's already laid out. He already knows. And it won't change. NO plan B. The next step might be OUR plan B, but it's still HIS original and providential plan. Amen. The truth. Praise God for that.

I know tomorrow is a brand new day, with the Lord's new mercies, a fresh new perspective, and tomorrow I'll probably be able to think positive again, by His grace.

But today, my heart is just aching. For my mom, my dear sweet mom, who has so much more to go through still when she's already been through so much. For my dad, who has to watch the love of his life experience all this. For my sisters and my brother who are right there living it everyday and just as scared as I am. For all my family. My heart aches and breaks. For so many different reasons.

I know I'm just pouring this all out here. Through my tears. And maybe I shouldn't.... I don't know. But in some way it helps to write this all down, to just be honest and painfully real. This is hard. And I'm scared. And I just want, with all my heart, with every breath in every prayer, for my mom to be ok.