er.... hellooooo!!!

*nothing but empty echoes* 

*tumbleweeds blow by* 

*thick dust covers everything* 

*there is a family of mice nesting in the corner* 

Well, anyway, you get the idea. Hi. It's been a while.

Almost four months since I last blogged! 

This was not intentional. It never is.

It just... happens.

So much has happened in the last few months that when I look back on the last time I blogged it seems like ages ago, a completely different season of life.

December came with all it's usual craziness and hecticity (if that's not a word, it should be. I'm going with it.); the kids and I changed churches, leaving the one I had gone to for almost 13 years, the one where they were all baptized, where Jeremy and I met and were married; the holidays came and went but in a very different way... I can't even really explain it; family came and stayed with us and more busy-ness (wonderful as it was) ensued; there was sickness and teething and sleepless nights; birthdays galore happened; school fell by the wayside in the midst of all this and I started to feel very behind and very exhausted and overwhelmed; and then, just when we were starting to get back into a normal routine and figure life out again, we found a house to rent, packed up six-and-a-half years worth of stuff in two weeks and moved into a new place. And here we are, a month after that move, still working on getting settled but grateful to be where we are-- in more ways than one.

Whew.

So many life-changing things squeezed into such a short amount of time. I realize there's not a lot of detail in there, and it's the barest bones description of those happenings that I could possibly give you-- when really, some of those things could be a lengthy blog post all their own. 

I think that's one reason I've shied away from blogging. Sometimes, I'm not sure what to share. Obviously, there are things about my life that I choose not to talk about on here, just as we all do, for whatever our own personal reasons may be. That's ok. But sometimes it stunts our ability to share anything at all. It's hard to find the balance. That line between being honest and real, and over-sharing possibly to the detriment of others is a fine one. I'm not sure I always know how to walk it.

I've also struggled with why I still want to blog. Why should I even write posts? In the blogging world everyone has a niche, it seems. What's mine?

Fashion? ha!

Cooking and baking? Maybe once upon a time. But nowadays if I make the time to cook and bake (which I still love to do), I'm darn well not going to have the time to blog about it too!

Crafts? ha, I say, again!

Decorating, cleaning, and organizing tips? why, do YOU have some? I'll take them, please. I need all the help I can get.

Eating healthy? Exercising? This one gets a double ha. HA! HA!

Homeschooling? I'm doing my best. I still love it. But I'm not exactly poised to inspire anyone to greatness in this area.

I don't have an Etsy shop. My pictures are nothing by which to be amazed (they're literally all phone pictures these days. Not even kidding.) I haven't read any wonderful life-changing books lately that I can share with you all. I'm not one of those moms who has the gift for writing just the right post that every other mom needed to read. I'm not even especially eloquent these days. 

I was thinking about all of these things, and here is where I realized that what was standing in my way was pride. I never would have said this in so many words, and I probably really didn't even think it this way, but essentially this is what my attitude toward blogging had become:

"If I can't write or share something that will be considered cool, or awesome, or inspiring, or creative, or {insert great adjective here} then I guess I just won't bother at all."

And I'm not going to lie, I'd love for people to love my posts. Why share things in a public place at all if you don't want it to be seen and enjoyed and become a part of someone else? I like the community, connection, and camaraderie that things like facebook, instagram, and blogging have as a part of them. It's special to me. And who doesn't like knowing  that the people you admire also admire you?

But I want to blog for reasons other than those. I want to share things in this space because when I do, a part of my life and the life of my family is put down in words and pictures, and that is a precious thing. In looking back through some of my archives, I realized that there are moments I wrote about that, had I not put them here, they would be lost forever. Forgotten. I can't let go of that and quit capturing things here in this place. 

So that is what I will do. I will write from the place of who I am, which is quite simply a wife who loves her husband, even when marriage is messy and hard.

A folder of laundry, a doer of endless mind-numbing chores, and someone who sometimes binges on too much tv.

A woman who loves my home and wants to make it as lovely a place as I can for my beloved family and friends. Someone who will share that home with others even if there are graham cracker crumbs on the couch, dishes on the counter, and spots on the floor.

Someone who will sometimes make pancakes for dinner at 7:30 at night because it's been one of those days, and will feel no shame, because a proper healthy home-cooked meal is just not always in the cards.

A mommy who doesn't always have it together, barely gets by on some days, messes up from time to time, gets weary and discouraged, and feels in over her head sometimes. A mommy who needs grace every single day.  A mommy who loves her four kids more than words can even say and cherishes that she gets to be with them, even on the very worst day.

Someone who wants to share moments and memories like these: our first fire in our new home and the cozy peace it brought as they all sat in front of the fireplace. We ate sandwiches and popcorn for dinner on a blanket, and then they all brought pillows and books to read while Bennett made sure we all knew, again and again, that the fire was "hot. hot. hot." as he pointed with his little fingers.

These are the days. I will do my best to make sure they are never forgotten. And if God uses this little life of mine to inspire or bring joy to someone else along the way, well then, wonderful. I hope and pray He does. 

Either way, I still know I'll smile when I read these posts and see these pictures someday.