Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Plan B.

It's what you resort to when Plan A doesn't work. And that's where we're at right now. Plan B.

My mom had another MRI today, one which, quite frankly, we were all hoping and expecting would look really good... maybe even clear! But, as it turns out, that's not what happened. Instead, the MRI showed that her tumor has grown back. I'm not sure on exactly how much, but something like 60% of its original size.

Not good. Scary. It's grown back that much just since her last MRI... which was only around a month ago.

This means the chemo she's been getting for the last two months isn't working anymore, apparently. So. Plan B.

Plan B is full-brain radiation, once a day 5 days a week. And possibly oral chemo with this as well. Plan B means my mom will lose her hair, experience extreme fatigue, and who knows what else. Plan B means that this road, which we all thought just maybe had an end in sight, is going to be much harder and longer than we anticipated.

The doctor is still reasonably positive. He says this by no means indicates that treatment won't be successful. He's seen this before, and it just means it's time for another plan of attack. But....

Plan B scares me. One plan of treatment has already been tried... and it didn't work. So what happens if Plan B doesn't work? Is there a plan C? Or.... is there an or?? or..... is that it?? what if, what if what if???

The one thing I've been clinging to in my head today is this: God doesn't have a Plan B. He just has THE plan. HIS plan. His perfect, unchanging, almighty, loving plan. It's already laid out. He already knows. And it won't change. NO plan B. The next step might be OUR plan B, but it's still HIS original and providential plan. Amen. The truth. Praise God for that.

I know tomorrow is a brand new day, with the Lord's new mercies, a fresh new perspective, and tomorrow I'll probably be able to think positive again, by His grace.

But today, my heart is just aching. For my mom, my dear sweet mom, who has so much more to go through still when she's already been through so much. For my dad, who has to watch the love of his life experience all this. For my sisters and my brother who are right there living it everyday and just as scared as I am. For all my family. My heart aches and breaks. For so many different reasons.

I know I'm just pouring this all out here. Through my tears. And maybe I shouldn't.... I don't know. But in some way it helps to write this all down, to just be honest and painfully real. This is hard. And I'm scared. And I just want, with all my heart, with every breath in every prayer, for my mom to be ok.

28 comments:

Jenn@the loves of jenn said...

Oh Talia, I'm so sorry. It broke my heart to read this. I will continue to pray for your mom and your entire family through this difficult time. Thinking of you!!!

thatmom said...

Talia, we continue to pray for your mom and your family every single day.

You will all get through this because you have your theology correct, God has no plan B, only a plan A and He is working in the midst of all of this even if no one sees the particulars of it or knows what it looks like on the other side of it! We have sure and perfect promises and He is good, we know that. And we also know that His plans for us are good, too. Keep resting in the truth, knowing that your mom's name is written on His hand and He holds her firmly in His grip!

Love you,
Karen

Lift Up Your Hearts said...

Man, I wish I didn't understand what you are feeling but I do. I'm praying for your Mom, for you, for everything you guys are going through.

i'm lindsey. said...

talia, oh my heart goes out to you. it does feel so nice to be able to write your feelings out....it always makes me feel better too :)
you said it beautifully......as you always do. God does have the ALMIGHTY plan.... but sometimes it is hard to sit back and wonder what He has in store. I am a 'do-er' and it can be difficult to completely surrender and give it over to Him, but that IS what He has called us to do!!
also........ in Romans 5 He says that tribulations produce perseverance and perseverance, character, and character hope. and hope does not disappoint :)

so my dear sweet girl......keep your head up and your heart for the Lord.....

so proud of you, i know it must be hard to keep it all together for the girls when you are so sad inside....He gives us what we can handle and I'm sure you feel stretched to the max right now.......

i'll be praying........
xoxo

Stacie said...

*Praying my dear*

Lydia said...

I love you...so much. wish you were here.

Jerusha Abigail said...

I love you, sister. You have such a way with words, made me cry a little. I wish we were all together. A Talia hug would be perfect.

I've been reading the Psalms alot lately. Especially 103. So comforting.

molly june. said...

talia, my heart is aching right along side yours. & as the tears flow down, your words have touched me to the core. there is no plan b with God. he was. is. and is to come. he is the ultimate healer. he already knows. & he loves us. oh, how he loves us. praying you & your dear family would feel his love this week. xo.

alyssa said...

Ugh, gees, that just stinks. I loved what you said about there only being THE plan with God - that is so true. Your momma seems like a strong lady and with such a loving family I hope she sticks with it and kicks butt!!!

Sunny said...

Oh, Talia. My heart is just breaking for you. I cannot even imagine how you and your family are feeling. We'll be praying fervently for you all. Hugs and lots of love. I'm so glad you felt comfortable enough to share your feelings so we can know what is going on and exactly how to pray for your mom (and you!). Love you so much!

Victoria said...

So very sorry to hear about plan b. I will be praying for your Mom and for all of your family!

Kourtni said...

Oh Talia.

I am so sad to hear that it has grown back. I don't even know what to say.... but I do know to a degree how you feel. And seeing a loved one go through cancer treatments and everything that goes along with that is very difficult and no fun at all. You know already, but of course I will be praying my heart out for your mom and for your family and for you as she begins this new treatment. And for what it's worth... I'm just down the street, come by anytime... call... drop off your kids if you need to... whatever I can do to help, I am here for you. I love you.

Cheri said...

I'm so sorry Talia. I know it's hard to be so far away.
We will continue to pray for your mom, your dad, you, the doctors....everyone involved.
The Great Healer will take the very best care of her....and there is great hope in that!
Love you friend.

lorieloo said...

Oh friend I'm so sorry. But you're right, God doesn't need a plan B. He is the one and ONLY plan. Rest in that. Rest in the peace that ONLY He can give.

Hugs and prayers friend. love you.

Tristan said...

oh, sweetie..i am so sorry..this just breaks my heart :(

i will be praying ever.single.day.

caitlyn said...

Oh, Talia I am so sorry. Your family's strength and positivity through this is so inspiring. Even though its so hard to be strong and positive you all are fighting through this. And your friends and family are right there with you :). God does have THE plan. Love you!!

Kayla said...

oh talia my heart just breaks for you all as i'm typing this i'm just tearing up at the thought of it all! You are all in my prayers dear. God does have a plan for it all and so glad that you and your family have all your faith put in him! We'll all keep praying lovey MISS YOU and I just wish I could hug you right now

Mrs. Priss said...

I just cried a little here at work reading this. I am so, so sorry to hear the news, but you are SO right in that God has a plan. Be there for your mom, dad, and family like I know you are, you sweet thing. We'll be keeping you all in our prayers. Love you so much!

Misty said...

Oh wow... you poor girl. your poor momma- bless her heart... Prayers are all I have to offer, but I'm saying em!

Lisa said...

Oh Talia, this breaks my heart! I'm so sorry. We'll be praying!

*CPA* Su said...

Talia, my heart breaks for your family but is renewed in the strength that your faith continues to provide for all of you! God is in control and through faith and grace we can find some comfort in that fact during these hard times. I will continue to lift all of you up in my prayers! <3

Angela said...

Talia I am SO sorry, but also encouraged by your faith in Gods perfect plan for your family. We will continue our prayers and you rest in the comfort that only Gods love can provide Talia.

oh, hello friend. said...

oh talia. it has been such a while but i just stopped in and am so sorry to hear about your moms tumor. the Lord will truly be over your family, just trust in Him dear friend! i will pray for healing! your family looks amazing, your girls are so darling. xo.

Sarah said...

Talia I am so sorry to hear this. Your mom has such a wonderful support system in your family and I know that in that case when the medicine gets tougher the families and faith get even stronger. I am so sorry your family has to go through this.

Lauryn said...

Considering how strong you are, I'd imagine your mom is a fighter too! I've known a few people who have gone through this horrible mess and come out beating the odds again and again.

I'll be thinking about your mom as she goes through all of this crappy stuff :( Everyone's different, so maybe her body just needs a different approach :)

<3

the lady of the house said...

I feel so bad for you - that would be so tough. You all are in my prayers - I love that pic of you and your ma - You two totally look alike. Hey! I was curious if you have ever been here redeemeddiva.blogspot.com - no reason really just she is so funny and she's a believer and I thought you might enjoy her blog too. Sending you sunshine and rainbows (((hugs))) Sami Jo

sarah marie p said...

Oh, Talia -- I'm so sorry you guys are going through this. :(

Thinking about you, your mom & your family.

I hope you guys hear some good news soon & that your hearts are filled with peace. xoxo

Sara said...

Talia, I just read this. What discouraging news but I love your paragraph on how God has no Plan B, just THE plan. You are a woman who lives out her faith - there is nothing fake about it, or you for that matter. And I know that's true of your family too. I'm praying for you all and trusting that God will not let you go.
Much much love.